


Anamnesis

by chanberries



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Amnesia, First Dates, Gay, Gay Panic, Lee Felix (Stray Kids) is Whipped, M/M, Seo Changbin is Whipped, Seo Changbin-centric, Soft Seo Changbin, Temporary Amnesia, changlix, these boys cant cook
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:06:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23078305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chanberries/pseuds/chanberries
Summary: ╔═.✾. ═════════════╗The Perception of human beingsis taken from the hands of theweak, and in those hands holdsthe light of the world.R.E╚═════════════.✾. ═╝Changbin awoke from an accident that left him in a coma for two weeks. He doesn't know where he is, he doesn't know his friends, his family, or even his own name. He's scared, and the only thing he remembers is Felix.
Relationships: Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Comments: 10
Kudos: 100





	Anamnesis

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Queen_Whovian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queen_Whovian/gifts).



> _This wonderful work is gifted to my writer[Queen_Whovian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queen_Whovian) who has worked so diligently on my current series Take Me Home._
> 
> _Thank you to my other editor,[Hyun_Jinxed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyun_jinxed), who was able to edit and problem solve with me while writing. _
> 
> _I love the both of you so much, and I hope anyone that stumbles across this work will also enjoy it as much._

His eyes opened, the sight was unfamiliar. His eyes and head didn’t feel like they were working, but he still tried to get them to. He was in a room, completely white, lying in a bed that didn’t quite look like one. It for sure wasn’t his, or at least he didn’t think it was.

The boy turned his head, seeing a group of bouquets. Red, blue, and purple flowers, along with a card. He opened the card, avoiding reading the actual print and opting to read the written note. 

It read, “I miss you, Changbin. Please get better soon and call me when you can, Chan.”

Chan? Who was that? And Changbin? Was that him? What happened? Where was he?

His head looked up from the card as a woman walked into the room. Her hair was a dark brown, tied up into a pretty bun on the back of her head. She checked the clipboard near the door of the room, not yet making eye contact with the boy. She was wearing nice clothes under what looked like a lab coat, maybe? She was for sure in all white and the boy thought, maybe he was in the hospital. For what, he wasn’t sure at all.

When she turned to the boy, she let out a screech, hand placed on her heart as the two locked eyes. The boy blinked a few times, staring at the woman whose mouth was agape, looking around the room, obviously thinking very deeply.

“You’re up then?” She asked, not a hair on her body moving in fear of startling either herself or the man.

“Yes?”

“Okay, well…” The woman finally stood up straight, brushing out her lab coat of any wrinkles, and intertwining her fingers as she approached the bed. “How are you feeling?”

“I think I’m fine.”

The woman, who had a name tag that read Jiyoung, approached the bed to look at the monitor next to it. To her, the levels all seemed normal, the patient was awake, conscious, and was speaking, so that meant good news.

“Well, everything seems to be good, so you should be able to go home tomorrow. It's a miracle how quickly you recovered. I’ll tell Doctor Park that you’re awake, he will come to check up on you sometime in the next hour.”

“What happened exactly?”

“The report says that you were driving home and hit by a larger truck. You hit a light post and were severely bleeding when you came in. We had to do some surgeries on you, specifically brain surgery for some of the swelling and blood loss. After that, you spent some time in a coma, but we suspected that you would wake in about two weeks. It’s only been one and a-”

“I was in a coma?”

“Unfortunately.”

“What was I doing before I drove home?”

“Do you not remember?’

The boy shook his head lightly. He couldn’t remember anything. He couldn’t remember his name, where he lived, if he had a home, who his family was, if his parents were alive, if he had a roommate, what his favorite color was, if he had a pet, if he was in love, if he was in school, if he had purpose. He knew nothing about himself... or anybody else for that matter.

“Honey, do you know your name?”

The male shook his head. If he was being honest, he didn’t know what he looked like. 

“Do you remember anything?”

“I don’t think so.”

The woman nodded and wrote on the clipboard in his room before leaving, for what the male didn’t know. She returned in only a few minutes, with a different clipboard, her hands folding back pages until she found what she wanted.

“I don’t know everything about you, but I can tell you a little bit about yourself.”

He nodded, allowing the woman to sit down on his bed, or rather the hospital bed, to talk to him. She handed him a sheet, something that looked like his medical records, in which he read as she talked about it.

“Your name is Seo Changbin. You were born on August 11th, 1999 in Yongin, South Korea, though, your parents currently live in Busan along with your older sister. I plan on calling them, since they’ve been unable to visit you since the accident.”

Changbin spent several minutes staring at the information. He was blood type O, graduated from high school but didn’t appear to be in college. He moved away from home, not sure of when. It showed his address, but it didn’t look like he shared it with anyone. Maybe he did and it just didn’t say. 

He could hear the nurse dialing the emergency number of Changbin’s mother, though he didn’t know her name.

“Hello is this the Seo family? This is nurse Kim Jiyoung calling to notify you that your son, Seo Changbin is now conscious. His vitals are all stable and he seems to be doing well, except for one thing… He doesn’t appear to have any of his memories. Yes, I understand. Let me get a pen and paper to write it down.”

Changbin didn’t know what was happening. Were his parents coming to get him, or were they too busy for him? Surely, that wouldn’t be the case, right?

“Your mother said that they would be unable to come to Seoul immediately, and that it would be a bit before they could. Instead, she gave me a second emergency contact named Bang Chan. Does his name seem familiar to you?”

“He left me a card, so he must be important, but I don’t remember him at all.”

The nurse called the number that led to whoever Bang Chan was. Changbin leaned his head back onto the pillow, becoming increasingly worried that nobody would come for him. That wasn’t what bothered him though. It bothered him that he couldn’t remember anything. He couldn’t remember the family he loved, his own name, accomplishments, or his friends. He felt hopeless. Would he regain his memory at all or would he have to start brand new?

He tried not the think about it too much, instead letting his eyes close and sleep overtake him. In his dream, he was in a room he didn’t recognize. Though, what did he recognize at this point? He didn’t know anything, everything was new to him, and yet this place felt familiar. He knew he had never been here, at least he didn’t think he had, but it felt similar to home. He was sat on the couch, basking in the summer heat and light refracting around the room. He was hot, a fan blowing on him as he fell asleep in the peace. His near slumber was interrupted by a voice calling his name, in which he answered before waking up.

Changbin’s eyes shot open, his body half jumping out of bed. The needle in his arm pulled on him, causing pain, but in that moment it didn’t matter. He could hear the nurses familiar voice along with a male, possibly Bang Chan’s. Footsteps entered the room and all Changbin could mutter caused the pair to stop in their tracks.

“I remember something. Someone.”

“I’m assuming it’s not me then?” The man asked sarcastically.

“Who are you?” Changbin asked seriously back to the male, who confirmed he was, in fact, Bang Chan, though Chan was what he went by. “So you brought me the flowers and left the card?”

“Yes. If anything I’ll be the one to help you through all of this. I’ve been your best friend ever since you moved to Seoul, and up until recently we were roommates.”

“That doesn’t matter to me.” Changbin splurted out, his hands pulling away from the man who had sat on his bed. “The only person I know is Felix.”

The nurse stared at Changbin for a moment, then proceeded to look Chan’s way. Chan gave a look of worry back to Jiyoung before the pair walked back into the hallway. Their voices were distant but Changbin could make out some of the conversation.

“I can call him, but I don’t know what he will say.”

“I can talk to him too, if that would help?”

Silence and then a one-sided conversation.

“Hey, Felix. Here’s whats going on. Changbin got into an accident about two weeks ago and now he doesn’t have any of his memories. All he remembers is you, and I was hoping you could let him stay with you until he gets some of his memory back. It’s only for a few days. Felix, he needs you right now. He won’t come with me. Please? Thank you, I’ll owe you one.”

When Chan entered the room, he looked around a bit, seemingly taking in the room. He looked nervous, his hands crossed against his chest, soothing himself for what was about to happen. He shifted his weight from his right foot, to his left, and back again. Changbin started watching him, Chan’s eyes wandering around the quiet room. There was a television, but Changbin was uninterested in whatever he would find there. He wouldn’t know shows or characters anyways. In that moment, Chan hated the silence, partly wishing the television was turned on.

It took a long while before the boy spoke, Changbin spending those minutes staring at his hands and trying to understand everything that was happening to him, “Felix agreed to let you stay at his house for a few days.”

Changbin’s eyes practically lit up in surprise and excitement. Sure, he had no recollection of what the boy looked like, but it was something that he knew. It was the only information he had from his past life, and even if it was a short time with Felix, maybe he could retain some of his memories. 

“Jiyoung also said that Doctor Park has been monitoring you and you should be okay to leave tonight. I’ll take you to Felix, if that’s alright with you.”

A smile crept across the boys face, who simply nodded in excitement. Chan had excused himself to get some food, asking what Changbin wanted him to bring back. Truthfully, he didn’t know. He knew he had to eat, but didn’t know what he liked.

During the time Chan was wandering the streets around the hospital in search of a convenience store, Changbin sat taking in the room. He didn’t want to watch the television on his own, in case he had questions, or read because he feared he wouldn’t have any context. A mobile phone was on the bench to the side of his bed, along with clothes and a wallet, which he assumed were his. If there was a password, he didn’t remember it, and what would he even do in his phone? Play games he no longer remembered how to play?

There was a knock on the hospital door less than a half-hour later, the familiar face of Chan entering the room again, followed by Jiyoung.

“Changbin, you’ve been doing well, and you should be free to leave after you eat your dinner. When you’re ready to leave just push the call button on your bed and I’ll come to take out your IV and finish up paperwork.” The woman nodded and excused herself from the room, allowing for the pair to eat their food.

Chan left Changbin’s room with the microwaveable noodles he grabbed from the convenience store. He went down to the lounge area and stuffed them into the microwave, adding a sausage and cheese into the noodles to make it feel less like a snack and more like a meal. Changbin took the plastic bowl from Chan’s obviously full hands when he returned, the man offering Changbin chopsticks which he gratefully took. 

Changbin wanted to eat peacefully, but Chan had other plans. Chan wanted to know exactly what Changbin knew and what he didn’t, if he was any of those memories.

“So you don’t remember anything right? But you know your name is Changbin, does that mean you know who you are?” Changbin’s head didn’t move from his eating, the slurping of his noodles becoming his reply to the older boy, who was watching him eat fairly closely. “Well my names Bang Chan, we’re kind of best friends and I’m two years older than you. We used to go to high school together and we even wrote music together. You don’t remember but one time…”

Changbin appreciated Chan’s efforts to regain his memory, but at this point, he didn’t care. He whole-heartedly believed that Felix would be the one to solve this issue. Chan meant well, but Changbin remembered nothing about him, not the high school they went to, not any parties or events they went to, not any of the music he claims they’ve written. None of this information mattered to him. Memorizing the facts wouldn’t make him feel better or integrate back into his life, he desperately needed his past to come back to him, so he drowned him out. The noise of Chan’s speaking was in the background now, him focusing on the warmth and taste of his noodles and sausage. It wasn’t until he was done eating and Chan calling his name to finally snap out of his trance.

“Changbin? Are you ready to go?” The boy simply nodded his head, allowing for Chan to take his trash and for Changbin to push the call button. 

It was only a minute before Jiyoung was in the room, her hands washed and taking out the needle that was shoved into Changbin’s arm. She placed a bandage over it, a wrap covering that, and asked for Changbin’s signature (that Chan had to show him a picture of to replicate). He changed from his hospital robes back into his clothes, thankfully knowing how to dress himself. He didn’t recognize the band on the tee, but he thought they looked interesting enough. 

He left the bathroom, folding the clothes and placing them on the bed before turning to Chan with a small nod to show he was ready. The car ride was quiet, Chan asking if Changbin wanted to listen to music which only caused a shake of the head no. When they pulled into the apartment building Changbin allowed Chan to get out first, following him blindly into the building and up the stairs. 

Nothing was familiar to Changbin, and in part it made his head hurt. He walked very slowly up the stairs, which in turn hurt his legs but saved his headache from rising. He was still built like he was before, relatively muscular, but he was definitely out of shape after being out for two weeks. The stairs practically killed him, and it took Chan reaching the top of the staircase to realize that Changbin was a flight behind him.

When the weak boy finally reached the top he stood for a moment to catch his breath, Chan apologizing for leaving him behind. Once he could breathe normally again they wandered down the hallway to a door labeled #325, in which Chan knocked lightly on.

Changbin’s mind began to race. He was finally meeting Felix, well he guessed seeing him since they had met before. What did he look like? Did he have black hair? Brown? Blonde? Maybe it was dyed a cool color? Was his head small or big? What kind of features did he have? Was he taller than Changbin? Changbin was on the shorter side, so he probably was taller. Changbin started to get giddy waiting for the door to open and when it finally did Changbin was not prepared.

The stars were in Changbin’s eyes as he took in the sight of Felix. He had dyed blonde hair, longer than Changbins but not by much. It was parted ever so perfectly from the side. His eyes were soft, but his jawline was sharp. His lips were shaped perfectly, a cupid bow causing them to always look like they were pursed, even if they weren’t. He was taller than Changbin by a few inches, but what really intrigued Changbin was the freckles that were ever so perfectly scattered across his cheeks like constellations. He hadn’t ever seen anyone with freckles, and if he did, he sure as hell didn’t remember it. Felix was wearing a white tee-shirt and pajamas that had Teen Titan characters, though Changbin has no recollection of that show or movie, whichever it was. He took him all in, though, this perfect man, and was completely starstruck by his beauty.

“Welcome in, I guess.” 

The door to the apartment opened, Changbin walking in and looking around. He didn’t recognize it at first, the couch seemingly familiar but not in a way Changbin could pinpoint. The lights were mostly off, minus the stove light in the kitchen on the left of the doorway. There were several potted plants scattered around the house, but other than that there was little decoration. Changbin didn’t even notice that the door had already closed, Chan leaving the pair of them alone.

“Umm, I only have one bedroom so you’ll have to stay on the couch.” Felix looked around for a moment, scratching the back of his head before he wandered off to finish part of his thought, “I’ll get you a blanket and pillow.” 

Somewhere off in the distance Changbin could hear a squeaky door from the hallway, his legs placing him on one side of the couch, placing his phone and wallet on the table. In that moment he understood. His dream was placed in Felix’s house, meaning he had for sure been here before. His thoughts were broken when Felix walked in front of him, placing a bundle of a blanket, neatly folded, along with a pillow on the couch next to him. 

“Thank you,” Changbin said softly. His eyes followed the figure walk away from him, half confused as it was only eight in the evening. He couldn’t think too much of it before Felix was out of sight, “Felix wait.”

The boy stopped in the doorframe of the hallway, turning only slightly to see the boy in the dark on the couch.

“Could I take a shower?”

Felix waited a moment before responding, a small nod coming first. “I’ll find some clothes for you and leave them in the bathroom while you shower.”

Changbin nodded lightly, getting up to go to the room Felix had tapped on, indicating it was the bathroom. He turned the light on, taking the sight of it in. It had a clock on the wall, some lotion, skincare, and soap on the marble counter. There was a small green plant in the corner of the vanity, and the shower curtain was a cartoon wave with many fish on it, two big ones and lots of small ones that appeared to be a show Changbin didn’t recognize. If Felix were there he would have explained that the “fish” were two Gyarados and Magikarp from Pokemon, but Changbin wouldn’t have understood that explanation anyways.

He turned the water on, letting it get warm for a moment before he peeled his clothes off his body. He wasn’t sure how he felt about showers, but he remembered that he liked them. When he stepped in the water was seemingly the perfect temperature. He let out a sigh under the hot water, letting it rinse off all his worries just for that moment. He was mid washing his hair when there was a small knock on the door, immediately followed by the door creaking open. He assumed it was just a warning knock that Felix was coming in. He hardly heard the man move in the small bathroom, the door closing almost as quickly as it opened with no voice to accompany it.

When Changbin climbed out of the shower he saw a pile of clothes placed on top of a towel. He quickly removed the towel and dried himself off, looking through the clothes and identifying a pair of navy blue underwear that molded perfectly around him. He pulled up the black sweats over his partly dried legs and climbed into a tee that looked a bit too big for him, but it was comfortable. He dried his hair in the towel, trying to get it less soaking before he went to bed, before hanging it up on the towel rack in the bathroom.

When he left the bathroom, the light switched off behind him. He knew he would have to go home at some point tomorrow. He didn’t have clothes for his stay or a toothbrush, so he would just have to go to sleep without a clean mouth. A little gross, but at this point, he didn’t care. It was around nine when Changbin began laying out the blanket Felix offered for him, getting as comfortable under it as he possibly could. It wasn’t long until he passed out. He was really grateful to Felix, for giving him the only place he was comfortable with.

Changbin awoke to the smell of food wafting about the common area of the apartment. He rubbed his eyes softly stirring under the blanket that kept him just warm enough through the night. When he opened them he was met with the sight of the ceiling fan above him stirring at a low level. He turned to the television that was left off, and yet there was noise coming from somewhere. Changbin sat up, the blanket falling from his shoulders as he stretched his arms. He saw Felix in the kitchen facing the stove with his back to the other boy, his phone tilted against the toaster as it played music at a low level, the blond humming along to the tune.

When the boy turned around to place whatever he was making on a plate he glanced up to see Changbin staring back at him, nearly causing him to jump.

“How long have you been staring for? Come get breakfast, it's ready.”

Changbin threw his legs onto the carpeted floor of the living room, standing up to wander to the island of the kitchen and sitting across from where Felix was plating the food, the smell causing Changbin to crave it in its entirety. Felix handed over a bowl along with metal chopsticks, pulling the chair that was on Changbin’s side over to his own. The bowls were black but the color inside was pretty, rice with egg and vegetables, the best part being half an avocado.

The boys ate quietly, the occasional ding of metal against the bowls as they ate. Changbin was finally the one to break the silence.

“Can you bring me home sometime today? I want to stay here for the full three days, but I need clothes and a toothbrush.”

Felix hummed along with a nod, “I figured we would. Maybe it’ll spark some memory. How’s the food?”

Changbin picked at his food, taking another bite before answering, “Honestly, it’s not as great as I thought it would be.”

“Rice and egg bowls are your favorite breakfast what do you mean it's not good?! Are you saying my cooking sucks?!” Felix blurted out through a bite of his food, accidentally spitting some rice onto the counter in which he picked up with his fingers and stuck back into his mouth.

Changbin just shrugged. Felix said it was his favorite food, but there wasn’t anything special about the dish. He almost preferred the noodles Chan made him the day prior, but he knew better than to rile Felix up or to leave food in his bowl.

Felix placed his bowl in the sink, finishing when Changbin was about halfway done.

“I’m going to get ready, just put your bowl in the sink when you’re done. I’ll be ready in twenty.”

Changbin ate his food as Felix’s walked down the hallway of the apartment, hearing the shower running just a few minutes later. Soon after Felix got in the shower Changbin had finished his breakfast, and although he didn’t really like it, he was appreciative that Felix made it for him. He knew it would be a while before they would leave, and as his bowl clinked into the sink he thought he might as well just do the tiny bit of dishes Felix had.

The water was warm like the shower Changbin had taken the day before, the bubbles floating and expanding over the dishes. Changbin was a quick washer when it came to dishes, washing all the similar items (ie. plates, forks, cups) at one time, drying them, and then opening all the cupboards to figure out where they belonged. He could hear the faint noise of a blowdryer in the bathroom as he put away the last of the dishes. When Felix finally left the bathroom he put his shoes on while sitting on the couch, the familiar noise of water being drained from the sink. The blond looked over at the boy who was faced away from him, curious as to what he was doing over there. When he approached it became obvious to him.

“You did my dishes?”

Changbin jumped a bit, the light footwork of Felix undetected by Changbin who was once entranced by his work. He nodded lightly while making eye contact at the boy, “I hope that’s okay.”

“Thanks… Let’s go,” was all Felix mumbled to the older boy before the two of them left.

They had to use a GPS system to find Changbin’s apartment, because truthfully, Felix had never been there. When they entered, Changbin roamed the halls, looking in each of the doors to find what he was looking for. He found his bedroom, which was a bit messy. He pulled out a duffle bag from his closet and began picking out clothes to wear in it. He opted for comfy rather than fashionable, tee-shirts and jeans along with socks and underwear. He wandered into his bathroom, finding a toothbrush and toothpaste and staring at himself for a moment in the mirror.

When they left Changbin’s apartment the boy felt weird. His apartment felt empty, unlike home, which the boy brushed off as not remembering anything. He really didn’t, the apartment not bringing any sort of familiarity like Felix’s did.

That day was painful for Changbin. He sat scrolling through the channels on TV, never really settling for one. Felix had locked himself in his room, coming out only for food that he got delivered for the two of them. Lunch was bibimbap and dinner was jjajangmyeon.

After dinner, Changbin watched a movie, something he wasn’t really paying attention to, though he remembered something about a princess and sorcery. He had something else on his mind when the movie ended, turning it off and lying down in the dark silence that crowded the living room. He figured if his memories were gone and it had already been over a day, would they ever come back? Logically they couldn’t be gone forever, the brain was stronger than that, as far as Changbin knew. Yet here he was, staring at the ceiling fan running circles like the thoughts in his head. It hurt, the unknown. He wondered if before the accident new adventures and experiences excited him, because right now he was terrified. What happens after these three days in Felix’s house? It had already been one and he had hardly spoken to the blond, yet this was supposed to help him, Right? Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe he should have listened to Chan talk about their memories at the zoo when Jisung nearly fell into the monkey exhibit. He didn’t remember the monkey exhibit, the zoo, or hell even who Jisung was, but maybe he could just pretend. Pretend that he knew who people were. Pretend he knew who he was. Pretend he had a purpose other than just existing helplessly in a brand new world he felt like he didn’t belong in.

He didn’t know how long he was staring at the ceiling for, his thoughts were far louder than the time. But he did notice a tall figure in the peripheral of his vision. The fridge opened, the sound ringing in the vast openness of Changbin’s mind. He couldn’t properly see Felix, but he knew it was him grabbing a water bottle to drink. He drank about half of it, placing it back in the fridge before turning to go back to his room. He’s retreating, was all Changbin could think. He thought too much at this point, he lit his thoughts on fire in hopes of receiving answers.

“Why are you running away from me?” Changbin asked, sitting up on the couch, turning to face Felix. His hands were kept in his lap, keeping himself as poised as he possibly could at a question that hurt him so much to think about.

“I’m not running away from you.” The blond turned his head only halfway back at the older male, who definitely did not understand what he meant. If he wasn’t running away from Changbin what was he running from?

“You never spend time with me. You lock yourself in your room and I give you privacy because I don’t know what to do. You’re important to me, you must be otherwise you wouldn’t be the only memory I have left!” 

Changbin’s voice was soft but intense, he seemed frail at this moment. Felix didn’t truly know how the boy felt, and maybe now he felt pity. That didn’t take away from the past though. Changbin may have forgotten it, but Felix hadn’t.

“You used to be important to me too, but not anymore.” Felix’s voice remained soft and pained. Changbin could not understand why he was like this, the blond turning to see him better in the dark. 

It was nearly pitch black at his point, but the moonlight hit Changbin in just the right way that his whole demeanor could be seen. Changbin didn’t know how to react by the words spoken to him. Not anymore. Maybe in his past life, he would have stormed out of the apartment, yelled back at Felix for hurting him, punched a wall, or gone to work out, but now he couldn’t do anything but cry.

The boy’s eyes met, the tears welling up in Changbin’s eyes. He didn’t matter to Felix, and yet he needed him. Changbin needed Felix more than anything right now, his only hope and future lay in his hands and Felix didn’t want that responsibility. He let Changbin stay out of pity, knowing they wouldn’t interact much, the wound still fresh and feared to be ripped open. Felix’s eyes wandered, wanting to cry himself. He turned before Changbin could ever see the glossiness of his eyes, retreating back to his bedroom and listening to music to fall asleep. The past was the past, but that didn’t mean it could be forgotten.

The light flooded Felix’s bedroom, causing the boy to stir. He shoved his head under the pillow, wishing for nothing more than to go back to sleep. Nope, he was too awake to fall back asleep, the thoughts of Changbin playing in his head. He couldn’t get any of it to stop so instead he pried himself from bed.

When he left the bedroom and wandered down the hallway into the living room Changbin was out of sight on the couch. Felix never once saw his face as he walked to the fridge to find something to drink, and he wanted it to stay that way. It didn’t.

Sniffles were coming from the couch, something Felix wanted so desperately to ignore. When he peered over from the kitchen he saw a disheveled Changbin, staring off into space, his eyes were bloodshot from crying, his body curled up into a shivering ball.

“Are you crying?” Felix questioned, bringing his drink over toward the couch.

“I’m sorry.” was all Changbin could choke out between his sobs. Felix’s heart hurt looking at the older male in this state.

“What are you sorry for?” Felix asked, more lost than anything. If Changbin couldn’t remember anything, surely he didn’t remember what happened.

“You hate me,” he whined, sniffling and coughing on his tears, “and I don’t even know why! You’re the only thing I have to hold onto and you don’t want anything to do with me.”

Felix could feel his tears rising. Not once did he think about how Changbin felt in all of this. He was being selfish, and now he felt guilty. 

“Everything hurts. My brain hurts from thinking and trying to remember so hard. My body hurts from crying all night, my eyes hurt from being awake for so long. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

In any other circumstance, Felix would not have done what he did. He justified it by telling himself that this was a necessary thing to help Changbin and that it meant nothing. He sat on the couch, his hand grabbing Changbin’s softly enough not to hurt him, but hard enough to pull him up from lying down on the couch. His arm wrapped around the older, who was using the blanket to wipe his tears. Felix’s hand rubbed the other’s arm gently, trying his best to soothe him, keeping his breaths deep and low to set a rhythm for Changbin to follow with his own breathing.

“I’m sorry I hurt you, I didn’t consider what you’re going through. I’ll tell you what happened,” Felix gulped at the idea, “but I suppose it doesn’t matter now that you don’t remember it.”

The boy took a break, looking at the apartment around them, deciding against telling Changbin all the gruesome details. 

“Long story short, we dated for three years, even lived in this apartment together. One thing led to another and we ended up breaking up. It's been almost a year since we’ve talked, and although I know I should hate you, I can’t.”

The boy’s final thought had become more for himself, realizing that although Changbin completely shattered his heart to pieces after creating a life together, he still loved him. He cared for him. If he didn’t he wouldn’t have allowed for him to stay in his home, offer him solace in his confusion. Changbin listened intently as the boy had spoken, and it hurt him to know what he had done to the boy he only saw as an angel in his life.

Changbin thinking too hard had remembered part of the argument they had. He couldn’t remember anything that was said, but he could vividly see Felix yelling through tears back at him before he stormed out of the apartment. He couldn’t blame Felix for being so flakey anymore, he had good reason.

“Felix?” The blonde looked down at the boy who never looked back up at him. He played with his hair gently, something he hadn’t done in a long time, but seemed to do by instinct. “I don’t know exactly what happened, but I’m sorry. I wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done for me the past two days and to let you know that I appreciate you.”

At this point, Changbin’s crying had stopped, though he still looked just as disheveled. 

“I have to go to work in about an hour, so go lie in my bed and sleep, okay? God knows you need it at this point.”

His head nodded, his palms wiping away any stray tears. He was exhausted. He wandered down the hallway alone, entering the bedroom and closing the blinds to make the room darker. He practically fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow, finally finding some peace within his thoughts.

Changbin woke up to the sound of the front door, the feeling of deja vu as Felix’s name called him from the entrance, kicking his shoes off.

“Changbin? Are you up yet?”

Changbin wandered down the hallway still half asleep, “I just woke up.”

Good, go get ready okay? We’re going out to meet some friends for dinner in a bit.” Felix wandered about the house, placing his work stuff down and changing out of his clothes.

Changbin hopped in the shower quickly, coming out and drying his hair with the blow dryer Felix had left on the counter from the last time he used it. The boys wore very different clothing, Changbin in black jeans and a navy blue tee-shirt, Felix in black jeans but a light blue button-up shirt that was rolled up and left unbuttoned, a white tee shirt under it from a video game Changbin didn’t recognize.

Changbin didn’t listen to the music in the car. He liked some of it sure, but he couldn’t truly appreciate it for what it was. Instead, he listened to the patterned beat Felix was tapping on the steering wheel. His head nodded along, humming specific parts of each song. He was enjoying himself and that was more interesting to Changbin than the actual music that was playing.

The restaurant was pretty full, Changbin following close behind the taller male mostly in fear of someone approaching him that he would not remember. Felix checked themselves in, saying something about a group already being there. They wandered their way through the tables of people, finally stopping at a corner booth with three males sitting patiently. One was Chan, Changbin knew that much, but the other two he was clueless about.

He gulped, not knowing what to do, eyes shaking between Chan and Felix, practically begging the almighty god that one of them would say something first. Felix pointed at the booth, indicating that Changbin should sit down next to Chan. He followed instruction, his hands getting clammy as he met eyes with the two other boys.

“Changbin,” Chan spoke up, placing a hand on his shoulder gently, “This is Jisung and Jeongin.”

Changbin took a longer moment to take in Jisung, someone he had been told about before. He had soft cheeks and smiled brightly when they met eyes. He had dark brown hair and was slumped as he sat, which made him look tinier than Changbin. Jeongin had braces and black hair, strong cheekbones but a cute smile. Changbin made note of these things, repeating the names in his head in hopes of memorizing them.

“I was just going to bring Jisung and keep it pretty small,” Chan continued, “but Jeongin practically begged to come with. He’s the youngest of our friend group, Jisung is also younger than you so feel free to be informal.”

Changbin nodded lightly, his leg shaking pretty aggressively under the table as Felix and him looked over the menu. He thought back to breakfast, that the food he once loved no longer interested him. Felix felt a poke at his arm, looking down at it and then at Changbin.

“Hmm, what is it?”

“I don’t know that to order…”

Felix let out a small giggle, looking through the menu with him, pointing at a few options that Changbin used to really enjoy. They finally settled on one, Felix ordering for the both of them when the waiter came. 

The boys talked together while the waited, Changbin being the most reserved out of them. He took in what they were saying, the memories they had together, but that didn’t mean anything to him. Now he knew they had happened, but there was no emotion behind the knowledge. His leg was still shaking, his hands nervously playing with the ring on his finger. He felt a sensation on his hand, looking down to see Felix had intertwined their fingers under the table.

Changbin looked up at Felix, the blond laughing at a joke Jisung had said that Changbin didn’t pick up. He never once made it clear they were holding hands to the other boys at the table, nor did he acknowledge it with Changbin. Instead, Changbin squeezed his hand back, smiling lightly and beginning to join the conversation. With Felix, he felt safe.

The food Felix had ordered him was really delicious and Changbin ate diligently. He finished his plate second, just after Chan has finished his. When he was done eating he removed his hand from the table placing it back in his lap. Since Felix and Changbin are both right-handed they had untangled their hands, but that didn’t stop Changbin from requesting to when he was done.

Felix felt a small poke at his left hand that was placed on his thigh to help him lean toward the table to eat his soup. He looked down to see a shaky Changbin hand, opened for Felix’s to grasp. He looked over at Changbin and gave a smile, mid-bite of his noodles, and took Changbin’s hand in his. The older boy could feel the flush rise in his cheeks, so he looked away to continue the conversation.

“I liked the other boys,” Changbin said on the ride home, a smile never quite leaving his lips, “They seemed cool.”

“Well, you, Jisung, and Chan have been practically inseparable since you met. I’m not surprised, they’re all probably worried about you.”

“I wish I could remember them.”

Felix looked over at the boy who had his eyes fixated on the street lights as they passed him. He felt bad for him, trying his best to understand what it would be like if he lost all of his memory. It hurt to think about, and yet Changbin was living his life like that. Sure it had only been two days, but he felt like he needed to help him somehow.

“I know tomorrow is day three, but how would you like to stay with me for a bit longer?” 

Changbin looked over at the boy, eyes wide at the invitation. He nodded as a wide smile spread across his face, Felix glancing over to smile back. In two days the boys had gone from avoiding each other to friends. Felix didn’t know quite how he was going to make it work, but for Changbin he would figure it out. He needed to.

It had been two weeks since Changbin had started staying with Felix. In return for sleeping on the couch every night, Changbin did chores around the house, and when Felix came home from work they would do something. Usually, it would be watching a movie or show Changbin used to love, but sometimes they went out to places he liked too. 

He had learned about Pokemon and the shower curtain the boys had picked together when they moved in, he learned about Harry Potter and magic, he listened to the music he had written, they even went to the zoo together, which Changbin learned was where their first date was. Changbin, although he had no memories of these things and was learning them all over again, was happy. He was happy when he was with Felix.

That night they were watching a movie, specifically Godzilla. Felix had made popcorn, the smell still lingering among the pair as they sat next to each other on the couch in the dark. They ate out of the same popcorn bowl, hands occasionally touching to grab pieces. Neither of them were complaining, but neither wanted to make the first move either. Changbin was practically holding the bowl upright, Felix’s hand hidden in his lap from the other. It just wasn’t feasible to hold hands like this, the next best thing being for Felix to wrap his arm around Changbin but that was too risky.

Felix had gotten a bit bored if he was being honest, and he began throwing his popcorn up into the air to catch in his mouth to entertain himself. Godzilla was fine, he liked the movie, but he had seen it too many times to be invested. He missed his mouth only a few times, popcorn falling into the couch and onto the floor.

“Toss me one.” Changbin smiled over at the boy.

Felix and Changbin turned towards each other on opposite ends of the couch. The older opened his mouth as wide as he could. Felix lines up his shot, closing one eye and tossing it, hitting Changbin’s cheek just to the left.

“Wait, let me try again!” Felix exclaimed, excited that he got so close. He tossed another getting in his mouth and throwing his hands up in happiness.

“Your turn!” Changbin tossed a popcorn which hit Felix’s cheek and fell onto the floor. “Aw shit.”

The two laughed and tossed popcorn back and forth, half making a mess of the couch and floor. Felix tossed a popcorn that smacked Changbin in the eye. Felix laughed and closed his eyes, Changbin grabbing a handful and throwing it as his face.

Felix opened his eyes in surprise, a look of offense spreading across his face, “Oh you're gonna get it now!”

Changbin tossed the bowl on the couch, a few pieces falling out as he turned around to run away. Felix chased after him, only a few steps behind. Changbin ran into the kitchen, running to the other side of the island. Felix reached it, trying to sike Changbin out in which direction he would be coming from. He ran to the left, then to the right, Changbin just barely getting free from the blond’s grasp. He ran to the living room and around the coffee table, Felix chasing after him as their laughter rang around the room. 

Changbin giggled and squeezed his eyes together as Felix grabbed him, his hands immediately going to tickle the older. Changbin tried to push him away, backing up in laughter until his back hit the wall behind him. Felix never stopped, laughing almost as hard as Changbin.

“Wait no please! I can’t breathe ahahaha!”

Felix stopped tickling him, the pair still giggling a bit. Felix’s hands rested lightly on Changbin’s waist, his fingers grasping just a bit tighter onto him as the laughter died. The two met eyes, Felix’s body by instinct gravitating toward Changbin. It was when Changbin went to touch the other back that Felix’s trance was broken. His hands fell from Changbin’s waist, his eyes moving toward the floor.

“I’m getting tired so I think I’m going to head to bed… I’ll uh- see you tomorrow.”

The boys spent the next night playing card games, Changbin learning how to play Poker, Uno, Phase 10, and even Cards Against Humanity. Felix had to explain a lot of things when they played Cards, but once Changbin understood things it was pretty funny.

They were currently playing Crazy Eights, sitting opposite of each other at the island counter. Changbin had gotten lost staring at Felix who was checking his phone. The phone lit up his face in the dim light, his freckles as mesmerizing as ever, his lips pursed as he thought of what to reply.

“I love you,” Changbin blurted out.

Felix chuckled a bit, picking up his cards and continuing the game. It was a moment of silence, before Felix finally looked up at the other, “You’re being serious.”

Changbin nodded, taking in the whole sight of Felix. The boy only blinked a few times before returning to the game. “Do you not love me back?”

“It’s not that simple Changbin,” Felix retorted, winning the game for the third time.

“How isn’t it? You have feelings for me too, right? We hold hands and I can tell at night you think about inviting me from the couch to your bed.”

“That’s true, but I can’t admit my feelings for you right now.”

“So you do love me.”

“Maybe. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Felix’s voice was deep and dark, obviously uncomfortable by the conversation. Changbin shook his head in frustration, knowing he had passed a boundary. The couch was comfortable enough, and maybe he was just being selfish for wanting the warmth of another.

It was getting late anyways. The boys should probably sleep and pretend this conversation didn’t happen, and for the most part, they did.

When Felix woke up in the middle of the night he sighed before understanding why he was awake. A nightmare, a regular occurrence for him. All he needed was a drink and to walk about the apartment before going back to bed. He walked into the living room, Changbin sleeping peacefully on the couch, not even stirring when Felix opened the fridge for a drink. He retreated to his bedroom just as he always did when he had a nightmare, but he just couldn’t fall asleep. He tossed and turned for over thirty minutes, running his hands through his hair in exhaustion and frustration.

He left his bedroom, walking down the hallway and to the couch. Changbin looked so peaceful in that moment, his chest rising and falling in perfect time. He didn’t snore, or at least not tonight, his eyelashes fluttering lightly as he dreamt. He was beautiful, and Felix couldn’t deny that. He reached out a hand lightly, body leaned against the back of the couch to reach the boy. Felix pushed a few locks of hair out of Changbin’s eyes, trailing the back of his fingers down his cheek and jaw, all the way down his arm to his hand. He hovered for a moment, debating whether or not he should, and yet he shook him awake.

Changbin groaned lightly, a growl half coming through, before his eyes blinked open to take in the sight of Felix. Although he was exhausted and had bags under his eyes for being up the past hour, he was still as breathtaking as always. His hair dangled lightly as he looked down at Changbin, the freckles on his face practically disappearing in the shadows of Felix’s face. The moonlight lit him up from behind, a glow surrounding him, as the two boys searched into each other’s eyes for a sign. For anything.

“I can’t sleep. Will you sleep with me?”

Changbin nodded, still half asleep, taking Felix’s hand in his and leading him back to his bedroom. Changbin had never slept with Felix before, but he was too tired to think too much of it. Felix pulled back the comforter and climbed in after Changbin, the older wrapping his arm around the blond. Their legs gently entangled with each other, Changbin’s eyes immediately closing to fall back asleep. Felix laid his head on the older’s chest, listening to the heartbeat and breathing of him, slowly drifting off into sleep.

Felix woke up and Changbin was gone from the bed, he looked around a bit worried about him. When he walked into the kitchen Changbin was cooking breakfast. It was basic, omelets for the two of them, but Felix sat down and watched him cook. Changbin knew the boy was there, hearing the squeal of the chair being pulled out from the island. He handed the plate and a fork over when he was done, sitting next to the boy and eating with him.

Changbin was not a very good cook, he had never been, which was why they normally just ordered takeout. Felix was grateful, nonetheless, for his efforts at least. The food wasn’t bad or anything, but it wasn’t very good either.

The day was long without Felix, and it didn’t help he had to work overtime. He came home at about six that night, practically falling into the couch next to Changbin. He kicked off his shoes and peeled off the hoodie he was wearing, leaning back his head and sighing in relief of the day being over.

“That rough today?” Felix just nodded in response, the older looking up from his phone to raise an eyebrow, “Then let’s do something to lessen your stress.”

Changbin, in the two weeks he had lived with Felix learned how to drive, and although he preferred it when Felix drove, he had the perfect plan in mind. Felix changed clothes as Changbin looked up the directions for his surprise. During the day he was googling things to do in Seoul like a tourist, in the hopes of being able to take Felix somewhere instead of the other way around.

The drive was filled with the music of Felix’s playlist, girl groups Changbin had gotten familiar with during their time together. The ride was short but sweet, pulling into a parking garage on the main street, causing Felix’s curiosities to become even louder in his head. The pair held hands as they walked down the main street, cars driving by in the rush hour. It was only a few moments before they reached the Han River, which ran through the streets of Seoul.

The sight was beautiful, and although Felix had seen the Han river too many times to count, something was different about it. They wandered down into the grass on the bank, sitting down together to admire the reflection of the setting sun. Changbin had ordered delivery of jjajangmyeon for the pair, paying for it when it arrived. They sat and ate in the peace of the river, ignoring the sounds of the city just behind them.

Felix watched Changbin closely. Was this a date? Changbin looked beautiful in the light of the sun, golden hour causing his skin to glow, his eyes sparkling just slightly. His hair was a bit messy in the wind, but that just added to the masterpiece that was him. Felix missed his boyfriend when he left. He went out more with his friends, spending the night at their houses because he couldn’t stand being on his own. He missed curling up under the covers with him after a long day of work, his stresses leaving his body as Changbin lulled him to sleep. He missed going out for coffee, Changbin singing just a little too loudly in the middle of the night when he stayed up later than Felix, even all the petty little things they argued about. He missed everything about Changbin, and yet here he was, loving Felix all over again.

When the sun had set and the stars were surrounding them instead, they cleaned up and left. Felix drove home, knowing Changbin preferred it. Felix does not condone driving with one hand, but he made the exception for Changbin, their hands intertwined in Changbin’s lap. His thumb rubbed circles lightly on the other’s hand, focusing on the road as much as he could when such a large distraction was sitting next to him.

When they entered the house Felix immediately went to change, feeling so exhausted after his day of work. All he wanted was sleep. He was wearing his pajamas when he left the bathroom, turning the light off behind him. Changbin was sitting on the couch, phone in hand, obviously distracted by a mobile game he had come to enjoy while Felix was at work.

“Are you not coming to bed with me?” Felix asked, causing Changbin to turn back toward him.

“Oh, I’ll be there right after I change.”

Felix nodded, taking his clothes and tossing them in the laundry before climbing into bed. He pulled the covers over himself and waited patiently for the other to join him. When he felt the bed dip he met Changbin’s gaze. He let out a smile and pulled the older toward him, burying his head into his neck. Felix had always felt safe with Changbin, and after all the distance away he missed moments like this.

Changbin’s hand gently played with Felix’s hair, causing him to sigh lightly in content. Felix could have fallen asleep right away, but he wanted to feel Changbin’s warmth just a little while longer. He tilted his head up, meeting eyes once again. They each took in the sight of the other, smiling softly in response to the wandering eyes.

Felix’s lips met with Changbins, his eyes closing immediately in response. He pulled the blonde closer by the waist, falling into the kiss entirely. Felix tasted like strawberries, wait no, peach. Their lips were connected and yet Changbin couldn’t focus on it any longer than what it tasted like. 

His memories came flooding back. He remembered their first date, Felix dropping his ice cream cone and begging Changbin to buy him another. He remembered Valentine’s day when Felix bought him roses and a two day trip to Jeju island, in what Felix called “their mini-honeymoon”. He remembered the first time they went to Australia together and the beach Felix grew up with, he remembered all the nights they spent curled up in bed together with hot cocoa, decorating for Christmas, Halloween when they dressed up as vampires together, every single moment with Felix connected in his brain. He had everything else too. His family, Chan, Jisung, Jeongin, all the other wonderful friends in his life, his childhood memories, coming home from school to soup that his father had made, the car accident. Hitting the pole and waking up in the hospital. He remembered the blood that was dripping from his face as he lost consciousness, trying to process being hit. He remembered the argument with Felix. That it was because Changbin had pulled himself away from their relationship, coming home late and leaving early, going out alone, keeping his emotions hidden. He remembered that he missed Felix during those months away from him, the apartment he tried so hard to make home never way without the other boy. He couldn’t sleep without Felix anymore, he was spiraling, but he had to pretend he wasn’t. He always had to pretend he was fine, and yet with Felix that was never needed. Even if he was hesitant to at first, Felix took care of Changbin, and he always did. There was no need to run from him or what was happening in Changbin’s mind, and he knew that now.

When Felix opened his eyes he realized Changbin’s were already open, his eyes were glazed over and he was pale. Felix shook him in fear that something had happened, the tears now overflowing from the older’s eyes. Felix wiped them and touched their foreheads together in a panic of trying to figure out what was happening.

Changbin pulled the boy into the tightest hug he had ever received, a choked sob leaving his throat, “I remember. I remember everything.”

Changbin pulled away looking at Felix who was staring back at him with wide eyes. Changbin was crying still, the emotions of having everything back becoming overwhelming. He cupped Felix’s face, smiling so widely he couldn’t contain himself. He kissed Felix on the cheeks and forehead a thousand times, more than the amount of freckles on Felix’s face, before he met their lip’s again. The kiss was passionate, the two molding to each other in the perfect way they always had.

Felix was perfect to him in every way, and from here on out he would never let him forget that. Felix was Changbin’s world and he always was, regardless of what happened to them, together or apart. Felix was Changbin’s universe and it had pained him just as much to leave the apartment behind when they broke up. Yet here he was, Felix in his arms and memories of it all. He had everything he could have ever asked for back in his grasp, and he never was going to let go.

“I love you too,” Felix giggled through the kisses Changbin was smothering him with, “but let me sleep already!”

Changbin held him close that night, the two never moving far from the other. Changbin only woke up once to go to the bathroom and when he returned Felix moved right back into his arms. Exactly how it was supposed to be.

When the light hit Felix’s face the next morning he immediately opened his eyes, questioning if everything that had just happened was just a dream. He kissed Changbin in that reality, a soft and familiar sensation that he had missed so much. He could feel the other’s presence in bed with him, and he couldn’t contain his curiosity.

“Changbin!” He yelled, nearly shoving the other off the bed in excitement.

“Ack, what?!”

Felix climbed into the lap of the other, who was struggling to open his eyes in the brightness of the morning sun. Felix shook Changbin’s shoulders with so much excitement, “Do you remember me?”

“Who are you?” Changbin asked jokingly before shaking Felix back. “Uh yeah, Felix. How could I not when you’re shaking me awake?!”

“When’s my birthday?”

“September 15th.”

“So it wasn’t a dream?”

Changbin laughed at the younger boy and pulled him down into a kiss, “Good morning to you too.”

“Does this mean we’re dating again?”

“Yes, but as long as you do the cooking.”


End file.
